The Fall (Part 1)
From what i can understand
from what i can tell who I am
and i can see there might be an I, a we, a me ...
those are pretty distinctly
but sometimes there's an us
and the us is a problem
It tends to coerce me into trusting us
believing in us
and that can be a dangerous thing
often hidden in the confidence
the safety
the us melds sometimes with we
and I believe us wants to conform us all to an other person
a physical person
instead of something internal
this is also something external at the same time
so that appears to be where I will absorb a loss of identity
from what i can tell
from the armchair of a truck diagnosis
after driving down the road
(laughs) sadly ... manic ?
I have a person or an individual in specific
which i expects I'm projecting this onto
which would be Daggers
I think that in experiencing loss of self
at the same time discovering what we could be
which is very disorienting in daily life
hard to drive
hard to think
hard to stay organized
don't know where you are a lot of times
you kind of do
you have an idea
sort of mechanically
because your body knows where you are
kind of spatially
so getting from once place to another in a straight line
that's not difficult
whenever it becomes time to turn
you know you have to concentrate
and all of these things are relatively normal sounding
if you were actually going somewhere
and you felt like your body knew
and your mind remembered
all of the places where you'd bee
i go this road
i go this road
i turn here
i go this road for however long
i turn here
i park here
I get out
I'm here
normal
normal sequence
you know ... but ....
difficult ...
"Ugh ... we have to stop somewhere ..."
it doesn't matter how many times i go somewhere
I still get lost going to the gas station
going to my dads house,
work,
still get lost going to her house
my best friends house ...
if i go to long without seeing it
i can't see it anymore
I don't know what anything looks like
What am I suppose to do?
give you all of me?
No, we can't do that ...
i can't give that ...
Just to fall in love and die ...
Not to us ...
There's a reason heartbreak is always arms length away ...
I don't give a shit about anything,
we're all dopamine addicts,
Even me.
Especially me ...
and we run at the slightest hint of oxytocin.
Except for us ...
we can feel it with every electric touch accidental
we can smell it in the breeze cooling us during the sunny days
and we can taste it in the sweetest spaghetti we've ever had
We see it, everyday.
The smallest interactions.
and I need a fix ...
I need to fix ... us ...
but ...we're out of sync ...
... at least I can buy poison at gas stations ...
"How are you ?" The counter lady seems frustrated today as I obliviously, rudely ... interrupt her talking about how hungry she is
understandable, I feel...
I've got to be good at something, may as well be, complaining ...
"I'm starving ..." she looks down sadly
We all lie.
"I'm doin just fine honey how are you ?" she ... wait? a slight change in tone ? toward me ?
"I'm not dead yet.
I'm sorry,
I'm working on it."
She laughs.
that's ... it's nice ...
"You're okay." I think she has a real smile ?
Everyone you will ever meet will lie to you at some point.
"That's what people tell me, "click" but I'm not sure if I really believe them ..." why did I say that ?
add a laugh "Sorry ... just the poison, thank you"
At the hardware store.
Maybe even not on purpose.
At the gas station.
"Actually ... I'm starving, I need a snack, but I don't eat much candy. What should I get ? What's your favorite ?"
"oh ... uh ... Peanut M&M are good I guess."
she’s pointing …
where …
at me?
Did we do something wrong again?
her finger is stabbing me sweetly as I smell peppermint
my mind gives way for my body's compulsion to move
you can't stay here
do something
“add an accent—
you know she likes it”
or … we think she does …
I don’t know why—but it’s my voice
wait ... do we ... like that ... ?
why don't i know what my voice sounds like ?
softly, slowly, deliberately
no, we don't like that with you ...
You're not the same
... but ... i love games ...
"...behind me ? I'm bad at directions ..."
where am I ?
what am I doing ?
I spin slowly, awkwardly ... sort of cool,
we love games
if I wasn't weird ...
We smile...
I think ...
why ?
"Really ? That's what you would get ?"
She tilts her head to the right and pauses,
cute,
kind of ...
interesting
in a strange way.
"Yeah, they have protein"
wait ...
a reason
good answer
you even have a reason
seductive—
no … wait …
that’s not the same
a little indecision can be cute
Stop
if you solve it yourself
who are you ?
When you come home ...
but you've never a home to call your own
not really ...
my nights are more comfortable under the stars now
it's so clear here
I can see everything
but I can't see anything
there's always nothing for me
never a place
never a space
to call our own
It's hard to tell what we look like when we're out of sync
That's just the way it is.
I just trust what people do,
I put two peanut m&m on the counter
pay for them
leave one
and walk away
it doesn't matter what they say anymore.
I never looked at her
not her eyes
not her face
not her hair
not her body
it didn't matter
You had a good voice
they all had good voices
and I like to listen
my pulse is tight at the seams of my jeans
I blush slightly—
finally giving in to the mimic
I fought so hard to smother
leaning against the steel of my truck
I can taste you, still
left hand grasping the cold stainless
right hand reaching for the lighter
I tilt my head and "CLICK" echoes through the air
it's sharp ...
we are all daggers in reality,
sharp blades that need to be held with delicate hands.
I'm sorry we had to make each other bleed to know this.
breathe in, heavy, slow, deliberate ...
paralyzing ...
I guess it was fun for a second …
I hope you had fun ... for a second ...
I’m sorry.
It hurts.
I add a laugh ...
I have to ...
It's my please
It's me on my knees
begging you to let me in
begging to be under your skin
every time you catch me gazing
Forbidden fruits taste amazing,
until you're sick from your own sin.
or starving like a trained animal
shaking for nourishment
begging to please
You expect the worst, that way when it doesn't happen, you just might not be disappointed.
... maybe ...
or at least when it does happen you can do something about it
even if you fail ...
that's the idea anyway
you don't have to be good at singing to sing
you don't have to be good at dancing to dance
you can be what you are and still be imperfect
just because i lose many of my fights
that doesn't make me any less a fighter
just because no one loves me
that doesn't make me any less a lover
but because i never stopped loving you...
does that make me any less a runner ?
does it matter ?
I think not
does it matter ...
I think ... stop ...
it doesn't matter
nothing about me matters
not what I do
what I say
what I write
what I know
and especially what I feel
nothing
matters
there is nothing
I have nothing
I am nothing
without
you
I don't know what to do
"add a laugh ?"
"please stop ...
just ... save me ...
from the static ...
it's so lonely in the dark
and the lights are menacingly bright
stop,
stop ...
please ..."
I close my eyes
"No"
my body remembers something I don't
All of us smile
"don't ...
please ..."
I think ...
I add a laugh
I can't keep my eyes open
"it's okay,"
No, it's not, stop it ...
it will be" ... just close your eyes
and it will all disappear
as I fade away ...
I can't remember
what we ...look ... like ...
I can't lose myself
Daggers can't help us
We'll cut ourselves to death on her
one smile
one laugh
one longing moment after another
alone ...
I've seen it in visions ...
"The universe ..."
The future potential ...
This is how I die,
unrequited ...
I can't even help me
it doesn't matter what I do
eventually I'll fail us all
Whether it's by my own hands or not ...
"it mocks us ..."
but ...
at least I would belong ...
I can't lose myself
but ...
I could give myself to you
I shouldn't have made it this far
I wouldn't have made it this far
if not ...
"for "
you ...
I live on stolen time because of you.
So I'll steal any time with you
every time
I could be your dog
I could be your bear
I will be our shield ...
I would be "our" us ...
and so would I, and we, and me ... and you ...
We could be our everything, our anything ...
"hope ..."
You're my friend ...
We remember you.
our best friend ...
we can trust us ...
right ?
Good Boy
"You don't need me, you're strong enough on your own. You're a bad ass"
"I don't feel like it, thank you ..."
I stop
It's cold
Like a shattered crystal stem wine glass in slow motion as time freezes. I realize she's breaking, there's nothing I can do. The only one that can save her is herself.
Birds sing in the back ground as if to mock me for my hope. This is the time, say something... anything for fuck sake DO something, SCREAM something, do it, don't stay here you have to keep going, we'll all die like this if you don't.
"You ... are Radiant.
Luminous, vibrant, and bright. The only light I see when I hide in the darkness." DON'T, you idiot ... don't say that. ...
I pause, this is a thin line ... my shoulders tense, no false hope, be deliberate. Like a surgeon, or you'll hurt yourself.
"Don't worry, everything will come together. Nothing I do would matter if you weren't fighting, protecting yourself and ... " My right hand enters my pocket. "You're doing amazing things. You really are a big deal ..." Cold-steel I can see my breathe. "None of this is easy, and I admire you so much for everything you've overcame. You've got the fire in you again, and I know you'll burn them all. So if I can be any fuel you can use to keep going, then I'll be elated as they are swallowed by your radiant flames and turned to ash if you need to." I taste bad candy ... Sweet Pain ...
"You're color personified ... people try to dull you, and it's hard to recover from that, that subservient form is also passed down to children, so yeah, escaping that, not allowing it into your life and protecting people from it, it's absolutely badass." stop ... too close ... I shiver ...
"Happy isn't something you need to actively feel all the time. When you're actually happy, you don't need to tell yourself to smile, and when you're safe, you don't have to tell yourself not to be tense. A position where you don't have to hide yourself anymore, that's something to be proud of. I just wish that you could see you. " too far ... what is this ? ... dopamine ? ... it's too late.
I am your dog.
Don't doubt yourself. but if you ever do, please know that I'm here, standing behind you to support you, walking beside you to fight with you, and only standing in front to shield you, when you want, but never to impair your forward momentum."
I look to the sky and curse how bright it is...
"You should write novels"
I tilt my head and Tik, an audible "click" from the left side of my mouth ...
"There's a lot you don't know ..." my warm breath condensing into vapor as I look to the sky ...
We don't belong ...
Breathe ...
After everything that has just been internally unleashed, the external response is small, casual ...
but ...
we can't stop now ...
our body aches ...
We've gone too far.