7: Cold Steel: Peppermint Click

Breathe inward
muscles tense
legs spread shoulder width apart

it hurts to move
even slowly

though, that’s the point

I’ve gone too far

I can't stop now

but I can focus

Breathe

Tai Chi has taught me a lot.
You’re supposed to do it relaxed.
I’m always tense.

My body aches.
I don’t want to feel it.

Do it anyway.
If we don’t, we’ll lose ourselves in rumination.

Horse stance—
but here we can breathe

clouds gather

it's so nice with the bees, the flowers, the lines in the pavers

rising mist

and the smell is so sweet

caress the clouds

like candy

call the wind

gather energy and release back in the world

white crane spreads wings

it's soothing, especially while I have something to focus on

I love doing things for people I love

it very rarely matters what, and that's honorable in it's own right

I am their dog. Often beat.

They choose that.
Relatively consistently.
I trust that

but I am a good boy, loyal

hold the ball

I feel as if I can belong here—

except that's not true

snake creeps down

I'm lying to myself

and we hate liars

"Hey" I say smiling, afraid

it's hard to focus with my eyes closed

I hear a voice" are you okay ?

"I fight all the time, I just don't always win"

"I'm sorry, I'm okay... I just have to go." don't stay here you'll die here

"Where did you park ?" She is anxious

"It's okay I like to walk"

I was relieved to still find my vehicle where I left it, untouched, so that's awesome

parking lots always have interesting line structures,

I make a sharp right to follow the painted line, I like the raised parking curbs, but they're short ... sometimes you can jump to the next one, I like those best.

these have been painted yellow, I like yellow, and blue ... and brown and silver ... and,

"What's your favorite color ?" I ask the girl

standing on her tip toes as she lands after a cheery hop onto the curb accidentally on purpose knocking me off my line

I forgot my leg hurts

she's taller than me,

I'm not a big guy really.

I didn't think so anyway, everyone was always bigger than me

or, at least that's what they thought

so smug on her tiptoes

cute in a way

but I knew better

she's just a badass

"You need a new shirt"

she said lightly —

I think.

an extra pause here

you gave me this shirt

It doesn't matter now

"I'm sorry, I guess I should go." I don't really have a place to be

awkward, but in a nice way, it's a shame

"Can you take me to the house I guess" I don't really have a home

"I never want to leave ... " my body aches ... "I just have to ..."

a slight change in tone

"I'm sorry" my hands in my pocket

"...for what?" she seems confused

"I ... have my limits ..."

The adrenaline is wearing off

unfortunate

fuzzy

"Lets go"

Turning on music as we drive my cassette player is blaring.

AW my first wife, although she didn't know we were married"

she smirks softly as I continue

"I was just a guy in a car, I mean yeah, she was a super famous singer, very retro, classy, nice clothes. I had two pencils stuck in my leg, it was pretty surreal ..."

"You're a bad liar" she scoffs, more amused than she like to admit

"everybody has to have dreams I guess ... unless they get beat out of you with reality. "

"Anyway, this is a good song." I say pulling my hood over my head, "Music loves me today, at least. "

Sometimes when I was young I would listen to the radio really closely so when a song I liked came on I could record it.

We were scrappers, kind of ... well ... he was, I was along for the ride. It was actually kind of a nice break for me usually, I think the problem was it just seemed so rare. I'm on the side of the road walking while my father drives. we picked up recyclable things near the park, mostly beer cans ...

Also on occasion electronics.

We had to turn them into scrap.

Rip the guts out, burn the wires...

they writhe as we punished them for their damage

The fire leaving metallic copper tones behind

The smoke irritates our nose

We shift through the ash, staining our fingers with their unfortunate remains

But sometimes they worked.
Sometimes their lives were spared

I saved a portable radio once — at least it would sing to me.

There wasn't a lot we could do.

I threw a tennis ball at the garage often to play catch with myself... mostly I slept on the love seat. I read, I write, I listen to music, maybe some card things? Sometimes chess, we didn't have much.

It was okay, I didn't need much, there's not really room for me anyway. I could cuddle to the back of the couch and hold my pillow.

My grandma made my blanket.

Thick, crochet, fuzzy, and it moved with you.

I got to choose colors, I choose a lot of colors ...

I get to record music from the radio sometimes, and now my car has a cassette player. I knew that I needed good music for Friday, at least if I went there I'd have the chance to make something, but I have to go to the house instead ...

"It's kind of a long drive to the house

I click in time with the music

we live pretty far out in nowhere ...

I hear a growl

"Do you want some crackers ? I have some in my bag"

"Kind of" she's sheepish, embarrassed to ask I think ?

"No worries, we're almost there"

"What's it look like?" I forgot ... and she's never seen it ...

it's the kind of place people have fences to keep their cattle in, and dirt bikes out ... mostly ... but the dogs get free reign. You can go in and out as you please, no one really cares as long as you belong to the rodeo.

Outsiders were ... frowned upon ...

"There's a long drive way beside a church and a camper near the arena, and the driveway, and ..."

"Here ! Park behind the church, turn off the light, they can't see you here. I'll be right back." as long as he doesn't see me

I like the dark, mostly ...

It does make it harder to get through the fences

barb wire catches my tattered clothing, reminding me I didn't change in the car, I forgot my clothes were there.

I hear a voice "The fuck you doin here man" Shit, it's Fred... now two "WHOA MAN what you doing here man" and Max ... he's young ... "Damnit, just calm down guys it's me" raising my hands as I kneel. "I just have to get some stuff"

"Jesus what happened to your shirt? What the fuck man, and your leg ?" Fred is always so considerate of people, "who is in your car ?" he's a good boy, the same age as me.

"okay okay okay, I'm glad you two are here, anyone else would probably get me beat, it's a girl"

They both tilt their head and peak their ears to listen

"aww you dog"

Max wasn’t trying to dehumanize her —
he was trying to fit in.

You can’t lick every face and call it connection.

... but in this moment it only mattered that he was happy for me ... in a beneficially misplaced way

"Is she nice ?" Fred says smiling or ... what I think is a smile

try to Scoof like she did,"Tch" I think I smile back "Of course she is" confusing ...

I love games

the night cracks

Horses whinnied loudly in stampede from the back of the field

the night cracks

steers and bulls moan at the tears in the sky

Gunshots

Fred and Max instinctively bark and start to descend on the arena as I run to the camper

I open the camper door and quickly starting to gather repurposed metal mint containers full of money. They were unbelievably strong smelling mints the paper assaulted you mercilessly with the fragrance, just like peppermint candy. No one liked them but me really, even if someone did I always kept a small container on me for them.

I get back to the car money in my bag flung across one shoulder

"are you hungry?" the girl looks up at me and says nothing

"Listen, just ... take this lock bag and give it to him, he knows the numbers. Use this, and ... get some gas, maybe some food? ...Be safe" I still smell bad candy

my leg staggers me, stabbing as I walk away ...

I forgot something ... I click, the vehicle is already out of sight ...

I've got to go inside.

I didn't get my clothes from the car ...