20:Beds of Stone

You tell me everything, and I listen. Anything you want to tell me I want to know.

I don't always understand it,

but we can talk about anything. click

Except us.

We are taboo.

I just wish I understood.

What makes me so worse?

You compare me to them, but do you compare them to me ?

How long must I be recycled before finally being thrown away?

For the good of us?

Or kept.
Because I'm wanted.

To be better,

together,

not perfect.

People leave you untouched, yearning to them for compassion, but beaten brutally when too bright.

Ashamed and afraid

Caged

Despite people existing that can open cages,

or repair broken doors,

the bird will often return to its broken cage.

But wouldn't it be nice to know you were free?

A door that doesn’t keep the innocent prisoner in,
but shuts the violent ones out,

and a guard dog that knows the difference.

You would never have an unloving touch laid upon you.

Or the people you care about.

You are the architect.

Feel the traces of us.

Fixing.
Building.

Loving.
Together.

Are you ashamed or afraid of me?

I don't understand.

Talk to me.
Openly.
Honestly.

Without fear of punishment.

I'm not a punching bag.
But I know how to take a hit.
For us.

If I can stand openly next to you.
Proudly.
As your friend.

I want you safe.
Not afraid.
I care about what you care about.

Help me.
Help us.

I would not have left your side—
if I had not been instructed to do so.

Why do I still need to hide?

We could be free...

Together.

I did not seek us out.
I did not come unless instructed.

But you knew how to find me.
I like to listen.

My persecution—
my sin—
my want—

is only this:

to love you.
Openly.

If not for that,
could I have done anything in your name?

I'm sorry.

No guilt.
That's what I want from you.

I wasn't lying to you.

I was trying to be honest.

I'm not very good at humans anymore.

I feel myself breaking.
Starving.

Why do you call for me,
when I've not been chosen?

I'm fractured.
Too many pieces...
But if I’m feeling this way—
despite my attempts to be distant—

I'm sorry, click

How do you feel?

Help me understand ...

I just ...

need to know ...

We can do this,

but it has to be deliberate.

I want to hold you,

but I wont reach for you.

Keys jingle lightly in my hand.

What do you want?

I forgot,

breathe,

we're tense

we want to taste you

we want you

all of you

click

We will be okay. ... The universe ...

I'm sorry, I'm on edge ...

I'm not asking you to pull me closer,

just please,

don't push me away anymore. ... Mocks us ...

We've already gone too far.

I remember us.

Are you okay ?

Are we,

okay ? click

I'm not them ...

I'm on your side. ... For our ...

you know that...

right ? ... Hope ...

A slight pause here

When I don't know what to do, I just do something.

I never know what to do

it's nice out

I've never really liked the outdoors much

The great outdoors was why we decided to invent the great indoors, we've been doing it since the beginning of time ...

but it's nice actually ...

well ...

about as nice as it can be in the middle of town.

not much space here I guess ...

fuckin... mosquitoes

but I don't need much space,

and I just wear long sleeves.

besides...

I don't belong here...

I just wish I did.

unfortunate...

I lay in the rocks, over time there have been made some river rocks and paver walkways though still not completed they are nice. It's sunny and I lay on my back in the rocks looking up at the sky. I wish I could see this finished. It could be beautiful. I want to fix the doors.

I hate those doors

Traces of someone who held you with unloving hands.

We hate those doors.

I'm used to living alone in the shadows by now,

sometimes it just gets dark ...

but today ... menacingly bright,

partly cloudy, some wind.

Technically nice.

Bright as fuck,

but nice.

I kind of love it.

click

When I don't know what to do i just do something.

I never know what to do, but... I just did nothing.

Just for a second

I knew what it was like.

There's no trace of me anywhere...

Except here.

I've never had much stuff, usually not more than a truckload at at time.

It made travel and moving harder.

I've always left anything everywhere if I ever got thrown out of a place, it's not like I can hook up a tv in my vehicle anyway.

I sleep in the back seat a lot.

I don't have room for a couch in my seat ... not a big deal, mostly ...

There were a few things I value, but usually they were just with me all the time.

Here though, I can look around and see things I've done, maybe I don't belong here, but I am here.

The tree has been cut down, rocks moved in, various renovations, mostly unfinished at this point but still some by my hands, some by friends.

That fucking stump from the other tree that's been taunting me for what feels like years now...

It's cool, just ...

unfortunate.

click

rocks are softer than I imagined

This is what it felt like to belong,

except...

We have rules. We need rules. We have to be deliberate, real, or nothing.

We made a promise, to not manipulate each other physically. I trust you, and that's important to me, you're important to me. It's not just about me and what I want though, and it's not about us. It isn't about one thing—it's about everything. I won't risk that. Not at the expense of everything else.

At least not now ...

just stay a while …
we don’t have to go.
not yet.

click

I'm sorry,

help me understand ...

Help me

Help us